Fear and the Finding of
by Blinky the Tree Frog
Summary: Heero has a series of conversations throughout his life that help him keep things in perspective...
1. ~1~

The Dreaming's version of Death, Heero Yuy, and Gundam Wing in general don't belong to me and I make no claims to them. This is a not for profit venture all the way. Enjoy!****

  
**Fear and the Finding of.**  
  
~1~  
  
When he first met her, he was five years old.  
  
He was running through the corridors of a flaming building, trying desperately to find Odin Lowe, the man who, although he'd hesitate to call him a father, had at least raised him for as long as he could remember.  
  
Everything had gone to hell. The assignment had seemed easy at the time, and it would have been, if the building in which the exceedingly rich man they were being paid to assassinate lived hadn't been attacked and firebombed by a bunch of manic and largely incompetent terrorists while they were still inside. It seemed their target was unpopular with more than one person, and that some of the people he was unpopular with were a lot less subtle than others. Odin had run off when the explosions started and sharply told him to meet at the arranged meeting place, which would have been all very well if the arranged meeting place wasn't now a pile of smouldering ashes. He'd neglected to tell him what to do if the fire spread.  
  
To add to his problems, the fire and the fire bombers had attracted the large attention of the local authorities. He had slipped into this house hoping to hide and wait it out, but this house was now both a) on fire and b) surrounded, mainly because the whole _district_ was surrounded right now. To the dismay of the local fire department, the inferno had spread throughout several houses and estates and they'd condoned the whole area off. He was trapped, infuriated, disorientated and gasping from smoke inhalation.   
  
That's when he met her.  
  
He was crouched in the far west wing of the house, which still seemed relatively free of fire. He'd been taking frequent glances out of the nearby window and was trying to figure out some way to get past the authorities without being seen when a perky voice said, almost in his ear, "So, what'cha doing then?"  
  
His training kicked in immediately. Odin may not have been much of a father figure, but he'd been exemplarily when it came to _that_. The pistol was out and trained on her before he'd even pulled himself upright.   
  
She was slender and pale, with jet-black clothing and what he guessed was dark makeup coating her eyes. She wore an ankh around her neck, threaded on a chain. Despite the fact that she was standing in a burning building with a gun trained at her head, she seemed quite calm. "Gee, you are the precocious one, aren't you?"  
  
He narrowed his eyes. There was something fundamentally out of place about the woman, something _wrong_ . He hated wrong. As if there wasn't enough happening already. Very deliberately, he flicked back the safety catch.   
  
"Are you from this house?"   
  
Get the important details first. If she was still here the rest of the family could be too, and he didn't want to have to deal with that right now.  
  
She looked faintly amused (_amused_?). "Nah, not at all. I was just around the place on business, spotted you at the window and thought I'd come and have a chat."  
  
He blinked. A chat?   
  
"Are you okay? You look a little out of it there..." She started forward, a hand reached out in a comforting gesture.   
  
This was not acceptable! "I have a gun!" He jabbed it meaningfully at her.  
  
She didn't look in the least bit threatened, but she did stop.   
  
"Why are you here?" This was just ridiculous. He needed to get out of here, the smoke was getting thicker. Who on earth was this woman?  
  
"I told you, I just thought I'd talk to you."  
  
"That's ludicrous. If you think that I don't know how to use this weapon you are sorely mistaken. Tell me the truth!"  
  
To his astonishment, her expression softened into something that was almost... sadness? "Oh, I've no doubt you know how to use that. He trained you well."  
  
Suspicion bloomed. _He?_ She knew of him, perhaps knew of Odin? Now what should he do? Kill her? No. If he could get her back to Odin, he would want to ask questions.  
  
Coming to a sudden decision, he motioned with the gun. "Move." The fire was spreading, he needed to get out. She could come with him for now, and if she resisted she would die. A perfectly sensible plan.  
  
She moved willingly where he indicated, not disturbed at all. As they threaded through the corridors towards the back yard, she talked to him. "I wouldn't worry, you know. I'm sure he'll find you." When he ignored her she twisted her head back to smile at him. "He does care about you, you know."  
  
This was not an acceptable topic of conversation. He felt the sudden need to stop it. "I'm not worried. There is no point. What happens, happens."  
  
"Que sera, sera."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Whatever will be, will be..." She recited the words in a singsong way, as though they were lyrics rather than a saying as such. He felt a sudden twinge of curiosity.  
  
"What is that?"  
  
"It's a song, a very old one. It's about fate, about how things are just going to happen. Do you believe in that?"  
  
"I have not thought about it."  
  
"Something to do in the future, then."  
  
"I do not think of the future."  
  
"Aww, come on, all kids think of the future. What are you going to be when you grow up?"  
  
"Old."  
  
"Definitely precocious." Again, her voice was tinged with sadness. Again, he felt the irrational need to make this conversation stop. Luckily this time he had a proper excuse, they had reached the back door.  
  
Gingerly, he reached out to open it and...  
  
It all happened at once. The heat and the smoke downstairs had been annoying but not seriously debilitating, and so he had not thought about how the fire might be spreading upstairs. He had forgotten that smoke tends to rise, and he had been unaware of the many open windows on the upper floors. Distracted by the woman, he hadn't checked outdoors either. He had no idea that the fire was bad enough to affect the structural integrity of the first story floor, of his ceiling. He was not prepared for the ceiling to explode with fiery debris.  
  
He was not prepared, but he was very quick. He threw himself backwards as the world splintered into red and black pieces, landed awkwardly on his back, his head slamming back against the floor so hard he could hear an echoing crack.   
  
The world swum around him as lay in a stunned heap on the floor. Flames flickered everywhere, and smoke lay across the floor like a blanket. How could that be, his brain asked irrationally. Everything had been fine just a minute ago... Where was his gun? That was important. He should get up and get it. Why weren't his legs working properly? His head hurt a lot. There was a burning sensation in his arm. Had he burnt his arm? Move your head! Everything's twisting around so much. Why wouldn't his body work properly? His head wasn't working, his body wasn't working... Where was Odin? Why wasn't he here? He was supposed to be here! He stared up at the twisting patterns on the ceiling. Failed. He'd failed now...  
  
The woman's head swum into view, and her voice seemed to come from a thousand miles away. "It's okay. He'll come. There's no need to be frightened."  
  
Frightened? That was stupid. Didn't she know that he didn't get frightened? She should know that. He tried to get the muscles in his face to move.  
  
"Not... Frightened... I'm not..."  
  
The face twisted into another smile. What was it with her and smiles? "I know. You aren't. But I'm not here for you today...."  
  
What? That didn't make sense.  
  
"...like to hear a song. The one I was telling you about... Hey, don't cry."  
  
He didn't cry. He didn't. What was she talking about?  
  
_"When I was just a little girl,__  
__I asked my mother, "What will I be?__  
__Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?"__  
__Here's what she said to me:_"  
  
He closed his eyes and drifted off to her voice. It was... it was comforting...  
  
_"Que sera, sera,__  
__Whatever will be, will be.__  
__The future's not ours to see,__  
__Que sera, sera..."_  
  
-+-  
  
And then he woke up, and he was under white sheets with his arm and head bandaged up. Odin Lowe was sitting in a chair next to the bed, and he gruffly explained how he'd found him unconscious in one of the houses and dragged him out. Odin didn't get angry with him, or scowl at him for failing to successfully get out of the area, although he didn't understand why. Odin didn't mention a woman either.   
  
So he kept silent and healed, and eventually he forgot about her.   
  
It was ten years before he saw her again...  
  
********************  
  
Continued...  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. ~2~

  
~2~  
  
The boy now known as Heero Yuy sat up and momentarily wondered where he was. Then his brain pulled itself together and the memories came crashing back. He'd gotten to earth, that part of his mission was complete. Unfortunately his Gundam had been damaged and salvaged by the Alliance. He couldn't allow them access to his mobile suit, and to even allow them to study the weaponry would be disastrous. So he'd broken into the military base with the intent of destroying it, and that was where things had gone wrong. He had been interrupted, and shot, and then knocked unconscious. He could reasonably assume that he was now inside some kind of military hospital. Logically there was no way that they would allow him to be here without restraints, which therefore meant...  
  
He looked behind him and was not particularly surprised to see his own unconscious body lying there. This was obviously some kind of dream, albeit a remarkably lucid one. That was a good thing, however, because it allowed him more time to plan his next moves.  
  
"Hello again!"  
  
Heero turned around and stared. It was her again. Ten years later, and she was standing in front of him in the same dark outfit, not looking a day older. In his dream. This was not possible.  
  
"So, how have you been? World been treating you well?"  
  
He did not know what to say.  
  
"Cat got your tongue?"  
  
He scowled. "I don't know what that means. What are you doing here?"  
  
She smiled brightly. "Oh, you know, the usual. Work again, I'm afraid. Which reminds me, I've got a job to do pretty soon. Walk with me?"  
  
She made her way to the door purposely, not looking back. He followed her, although he didn't really understand why.  
  
"So, what's been happening lately?"  
  
He looked at her suspiciously, but her question appeared to have been asked completely innocently, and this _was_ a dream. So he hesitated, and then replied. "I have failed my mission. I should not have allowed Wing to be captured, and now I have only compounded my mistake by allowing myself to be taken."  
  
Her look was sympathetic. "Wow, you must be feeling a bit down right now."  
  
"My feelings don't matter. I need to escape as soon as possible."  
  
"Seems like pretty sound reasoning. But confidentially?" She leaned towards him conspiringly. "I wouldn't actually worry too much about coming up with an escape plan. Others have got it in hand."  
  
He stared at her. "I don't know any others."  
  
"Lets just say that a friend of yours is working on the situation right now."  
  
"I don't have any friends."  
  
"Okay, so friend is possibly too strong a word. He did shoot you twice, after all."  
  
The boy in black. The one who had shot him at the base, the one who was at least partially responsible for him being captured. That made no sense. "Why would he be attempting to rescue me?"  
  
"I dunno, maybe he's sorry for shooting you."  
  
"He should not be. He had no idea who I was and had to grasp the situation quickly and without many of the facts. It is possible that I would have done the same thing under the circumstances."  
  
"Well, I'm sure he'd feel better knowing that."  
  
He didn't answer, and they walked in silence for a few seconds. He took care to note his surroundings; by comparing them to the blueprints of the area's military buildings that he had earlier committed to memory he should be able to get some idea of where he was.  
  
"Penny for them?"  
  
He turned back and gave her a blank look.  
  
"Penny for your thoughts. It's an old phrase; I always kind of liked it. I was just wondering what you were thinking there."  
  
"I am thinking about how to escape. What else would I be thinking about?"  
  
"Heh. You've got a point there. This mission is everything to you, isn't it, Heero?"  
  
This was getting ridiculous. He needed answers. "How would you know this? And how do you know my alias?"  
  
"Would you believe me if I told you it's all just a dream?"  
  
"I am beginning to suspect it may not be. There could be some type of technology that can allow psychic intrusion, and if so..."  
  
To his utmost annoyance, she burst into laughter at this. "Good grief! You're quite the little paranoid, aren't you?"  
  
"I am a soldier!" His voice was positively icy. "If I wasn't paranoid, then I would probably have died years ago."  
  
Just like that, she was dead serious, and when she spoke he swore he could again hear the faintest traces of sadness.   
  
"You really do believe that, don't you? And worse, you may even be right."  
  
"I am right."  
  
"I suspect those with a somewhat nicer childhood would think differently."  
  
"This mission does not need someone with a 'nicer childhood'. I have trained for years to be what I am. I am completely devoted to accomplishing my goals."  
  
She didn't try to argue with him this time, just smiled sadly and stopped walking. "If you'll excuse me for just a sec, Heero. Work calls, but I wont be long."  
  
"Go ahead."  
  
She walked through the doorway of the nearest ward and the Heero was left standing alone in the corridor. He was confused, and frustrated because he disliked the confusion. What kind of 'job' could she possibly be talking about? He tried to tell himself that it didn't matter to him, that it was irrelevant to his own concerns but...  
  
He edged closer to the door, and listened. There was a patient in the ward, as well as doctors and nurses. He heard frantic talking amongst the medical staff.  
  
"...pulse down to... vitals not holding he's... dammit where's the... sorry I got it now... get the defib... but I don't think... if we can try... I don't think he's... try to get a pulse back... I don't think he's going to make it..."  
  
The chatter slowed down after that, and for a few minutes all he could hear were whispers and the quiet whine of a heart monitor gone dead.  
  
And then...  
  
Amongst the whispering he heard the woman speaking gently, too low for him to hear the words. Someone replied, equally softly but in tones filled with sadness, and awe, and trepidation.  
  
And then...  
  
He couldn't identify the sound at first. It started low and soft and gentle, the faintest fluttering which expanded outwards until there was no mistaking what he heard.   
  
_Wings_  
  
The beating of mighty wings, filled with purpose and power beyond imagining. Bearing away the most precious of burden to... somewhere else. It was the sound of her wings. It was the sound of... She was...  
  
Death.  
  
When she stepped outside again, he was frozen. She gave him a big smile and dusted her hands on her shirt.  
  
"Okay, all finished. Now where were we?"  
  
"You."  
  
She cocked her head to the side, thinking. "Actually no, I'm fairly sure that wasn't it. Though you're welcome to change the topic if you want to..."  
  
"You are..."  
  
"You look a little tongue tied there."  
  
Again with the amusement! Was she playing with him? This wasn't funny! He pulled himself together and gave her his best glare of disgust.  
  
"I'm not afraid of you", he said.  
  
"Who on earth said you had to be?"  
  
"You're _Death_." He spat it out.  
  
She sighed at this. "Yes, Heero, you're right. I am. But what I told you was the truth. I'm not here to take you away, and I'm not here to frighten you. It wouldn't work, and I know it."  
  
"But..."  
  
"I'm just here to _talk_, Heero. I told you, I was here and you were here, and I thought you might want someone to discuss things with. Besides, it's kind of refreshing for me as well. I don't often get to have more than one conversation with someone!"  
  
He stared at her smiling face. "I don't understand."  
  
"I don't suppose you do. Maybe it's just an anthropomorphic personification thing."  
  
"Why _me_?"  
  
"Why not? Don't you think you're an interesting person?"  
  
"I... I don't..."  
  
Again she sighed. "Look I'm sorry to have to leave things at this point but I really have to go now and you're going to be waking up pretty soon. Why don't you just think about some of the things we said?"  
  
He looked up and met her eyes. They were warm, and filled with sympathy, and...   
  
_Comforting_.  
  
"Yes", he said.  
  
She gave him a wave, and faded away.  
  
-+-  
  
He woke up strapped into restraints, pushed the remnants of the dream away, and concentrated on the job at hand, getting away. Later he'd think of the dream. Later, he'd debate the reality of it. Later he'd wonder what it meant, and whether he'd see her again.  
  
He did. It didn't take long at all.  
  
*************  
  
Continued... 


	3. ~3~

  
~3~  
  
It was very dark. The sky was dark, and the ground was dark, and he sat next to a long road that was also very dark. There was nothing else. He didn't know how long he'd been there. It didn't seem to matter. Time didn't seem to exist in the rational sense. Nothing seemed to exist. A brief part of his mind was slightly worried by this, but mostly he simply couldn't feel worry. He couldn't feel anything at all. He sat by the endless road in the endless darkness and…  
  
…drifted…  
  
And then he felt himself pulled ever so slightly down to earth, and she was there.   
  
She didn't talk this time, didn't smile and say hello. She just stood in front of him and waited, her face creased with an expression that was almost… disappointment? But that was okay. He expected that this time would be different.   
  
He stood up and looked at her expectantly. Still, she didn't move. Why didn't she move? What did she expect him to do? Surely it was up to her now? He was beginning to feel uncomfortable and he did not like feeling uncomfortable. Fine. If she wouldn't make a move, he would.   
  
He stepped forward and held out a hand to her. "Take me then."  
  
She didn't move. She didn't take his hand. Instead, she smiled the faintest of smiles and said gently, "Why, Heero. Are you flirting with me?"  
  
Blank incomprehension. What?  
  
"I'm not here for you yet, Heero."  
  
_What?_  
  
"I came to keep you company for a little while, is all. I imagine you must get lonely, being unconscious and stuck here for so long."  
  
"That's not possible."  
  
"That I'd want to keep you company? Well you were a little abrupt last time we met…"  
  
"That I'm alive! I cannot _be_ alive!"  
  
She cocked her head to the side, crossed her arms and gave him an amused look. "You think?"  
  
"I self-detonated. I blew up both myself and Wing to prevent our actions being used as an excuse to attack the colonies. There was no way I could have survived!"  
  
"I hate to point this out to you Heero, but I am kind of an expert in these matters…"  
  
"How!?" He spat at her, suddenly furious. He had done so badly on his missions of late. Could he not even accomplish something as simple as this?  
  
She shrugged, still looking amused. "You have a strong constitution. All those neat little genetic enhancements that have been done to you did their stuff. The explosion caused a lot of injuries, but you were thrown clear. It didn't kill you."  
  
"I was lying in the middle of a battlefield! I must have been bleeding. Even _I_ could not survive that for long."  
  
"The battle pretty much ended after that. Your little statement distracted the bad guys and the other four Gundam pilots took the opportunity to escape. And of course, OZ was secure in the knowledge that their little ploy of threatening to blow up several colonies with their new weapon if the pilots tried anything would keep them from any more random terrorist hi-jinks."  
  
"But if I was lying out there…"  
  
"One of your friends got you out."  
  
"I don't have any…"  
  
She rolled her eyes, dusted off a bit of road, and sat herself down comfortably. "…don't have any friends. Right. Sorry. One of the other pilots then."  
  
He crouched down to her height, still disbelieving. "Why would they do that? I had barely met them, and I did what I did for a reason. Surely they could see that?"  
  
"You talk as if it were completely obvious!"  
  
"It was! I had been given instructions not to allow myself to be used like that. I had to show them that I would never bow to their demands."  
  
"And you were told to by Dr J."  
  
"He is the one who sent me to earth. He is the one who gives me my missions. I was directly instructed to…"  
  
"Kill yourself?"  
  
"If necessary, yes. I am fighting a war against the alliance, against the forces of OZ who hid within their ranks. I will do anything that is necessary to fight that war. I told you last time we met that I was not afraid of you. I am not! And now I have botched yet another mission, and OZ…"  
  
"Hey, calm down there…"  
  
"I am calm!"  
  
"Hah! You could fool me!"  
  
He clamped his mouth shut and glared at her, feeling more and more infuriated.   
  
She cheerfully ignored his dour mood. "So! Was there anything in particular you wanted to talk about, or do you just want to spend the time in companionable silence?"  
  
"_Companionable_ silence?"  
  
"Or bitter and awkward silence, if you'd rather. I've always found companionable silence much better, though."  
  
He stared down at her. She smiled up at him. There was several long seconds of a silence that was anything but companionable.   
  
Then he scowled, and flopped down beside her.   
  
It wasn't that she had beaten him down, Heero told himself. It was just that, by talking to her, he could acquire useful information about his current position.  
  
"Which pilot?"  
  
"Hmmm?" She had taken a looped piece of string out of her pocket and appeared to be twisting it into different shapes by twirling it around different fingers. He had no idea why she would be doing this.   
  
"Which pilot picked me up?"  
  
She glanced up from her string. "His name's Trowa. You haven't met him properly yet. I think you'll like him, though."  
  
"He's the pilot of the Gundam with the most ammunition, correct?"  
  
"Assembling all the facts together?"  
  
"Yes. Why did you say that I'd like him?"  
  
"He's very like you. He's a soldier too. Much more than the pilot you _have_ met properly. Duo, is his name?"  
  
"Yes. And it would not take a lot to be more of a soldier than him."  
  
"You sound disapproving."  
  
He thought about this. "I am, I suppose. I do not think he takes his job seriously enough. The fate of the whole of outer space could be riding on his battles and he makes _jokes_."  
  
"That's bad?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"Have you ever stopped to consider…" She bit her lip as she twisted the string in a particularly difficult way. "…that maybe he's got his own way of doing things? Just because he's different doesn't necessarily mean his ways don't work just as well."  
  
"I've seen his work. He is good, but he is not as efficient as myself."  
  
Her tone was dry. "Oh, I don't know about that. He's sent his fair share of people to me, especially lately."  
  
"I am not necessarily talking about death."  
  
Her smile quirked. "I'm hurt."  
  
He gave her an exasperated look. "I wasn't referring to you specifically. Our job is not to kill people. Killing people is simply a necessary part of our attempts to bring down this corrupt government."  
  
"But you have killed a lot of people, Heero. I should know, after all." She pulled her hands up and peered at him through the spider web of string looped around her fingers. Her face was deadly earnest.  
  
"What do you wish me to say?" he answered, irritation creeping back into his voice. "That I regret their deaths? I do. I regret that they were necessary…"  
  
"All of them?"  
  
"That's what this is about, then. The death of the peacekeepers on the plane."  
  
"I wasn't actually trying to steer the conversation in that direction, Heero, despite what you might think. However, since you mention it…"  
  
"It was a mistake. I was foolish."  
  
"You were tricked."  
  
He ignored her. "I will find some method of restitution when I awaken. I believe I will offer my life to the relatives of those killed."  
  
"Oookay. I don't think that's what everyone would do…"  
  
"I deserve nothing less. And I told you that I'm not afraid of you."  
  
"I am aware of that. The very fact that our conversations have been so… civil..."  
  
"I have… gradually… come to terms with who you are. I still don't know why you wish to talk to me but…"  
  
"Despite the fact that I've told you several times…"  
  
"There is something more to it than that. There must be."  
  
Her laughter cut through the darkness. He looked at her questioningly.  
  
"I'm sorry. It's just… That's such a _human_ attitude, Heero. Always looking behind things, never accepting things at face value." She smiled and with a last twist, she brought her two hands forward and showed him what she'd made. To his astonishment, the string had been woven into an intricate pattern that looked quite remarkably like his Gundam.  
  
Intrigued, he reached out a hand and touched it. Just string, nothing more. A lot of string, woven into something far more complex. "What _is_ that?"  
  
"Cats Cradle! It's a game, children play it. A lot of patience, and a lot of string, and you can make nearly anything."   
  
"Is that supposed to be some kind of message?" He looked at her doubtfully.  
  
"A message?" A flick of her fingers, and it was gone. She stowed the string back in her pockets and pulled herself to her feet. "Heero, _anything_ can be a message if you want to look at it that way. Myself, I think that maybe you ought to just listen to your feelings a little more. Didn't Odin tell you to do that once?"  
  
"He told me just before his death. He told me just before _you_ took him."  
  
"It's amazing how much clarity of vision I can give people."  
  
He pulled himself up beside her. "You're going now?"  
  
"Sorry. Wish I could spend more time but…" She shrugged. "You know how it is. Far too much work."  
  
"I doubt that I will make your job any easier when I awaken."  
  
She agreed easily. "I doubt you will."  
  
"Well…" He stared at her, suddenly feeling awkward.  
  
She stuck her hands in her pockets and gave him a slight bow. Unsure of what else to do, he returned it. "I'll see you again."   
  
And as his head dipped down and his eyes met the floor, he heard her add, in a wistful tone, "Hopefully next time it won't be because you're seeking me out."  
  
His head snapped up, a protest on the tip of his tongue. But she was gone, and he was left alone in the dark with only the echo of her last words to ponder.  
  
-+-  
  
When he next saw her, he was in space…  
  
************

To be continued…  
  
  
  


  



End file.
